How’s going mate??
Today I just do writing. It’s not interesting for everyone to see it. This is for me. Recently I’m just thinking about studying English. I need to make effort!! My purpose is to enter the university, not to enjoy Australian life,so today’s writing topic is :which is better to travel in a group or alone.
Some people believe that alone is better to travel than in a group, I personally fell that it is more exciting for people travel in a group.
To begin with, it is much safer for people to travel with their friends.For example, if people get injured or get sick, others will be able to take care of them.Furthermore, if people walk alone, thieves might easily steal their wallet or passport.
Secondly,people can share their memories and play games together.For example, if one of their friends would like to take pictures, they can take pictures very easily. As a result, their friendship becomes much stronger than before.
Finally, people can share money to each other. A restaurant, a hotel and tour which costs is much cheaper than alone if people split each other. Consequently, people are able to do other things.
In conclusion, to travel by yourself can lead to very good time, to travel with your friends are more enjoyable.
I clearly see the following structure in your writing.
(1) Your opinion/conclusion
(2) Reason 1 (safety)
(3) Reason 2 (friendship)
(4) Reason 3 (cost reduction)
(5) Conclusion revisited
Easy to follow your thinking.
4 suggestions from me.
(1) Mention in the introduction there are three reasons why you think travelling with mates is better.
(2) Use numbers in examples (e.g. 50% of crime can be prevented if people travel with mates. This number doesn’t have to be true. It just helps you realise what strengthens your writing)
(3) Connect three reasons and conclusion (e.g. In conclusion, because of safety, stronger friendship and cost reduction, travelling with mates may be more fun.”
(4) Do not introduce new ideas in conclusion. (Read your last paragraph: you did not discuss anything on “travel by yourself can lead to very good time”, so this conclusion is not supported by your writing. I understand you are trying to accommodate the other opinion, but it sounds “insincere” because you did not talk about why “travelling by yourself can lead to very good time”.
Thank you Hiro.
My teacher also said your conclusion is not conect to my idea and also my problem is grammar, which means sometimes missing articles.
*my conclusion is not connect to my ideas